The Economy of Worth

What I want to tell you is that you’ve always been worthy, but it’s more than that. Understanding the worth you have always existed within versus the worth you were weighed against outside of you, this has always been the fire-breathing dragon that lives inside of you.

What I want to tell you is that you were born into a system, a world where the white, male body that has sex with women, (doesn’t have to love or even like women, can hate them even, just has to appear to have sex with only them,) that body in this world, in this economy that you were born into is all-powerful. God even appears in his image.

What I want to tell you is that you have always felt this inequity between you and a person with this all-powerful god body. This is why you were scared when one of them liked you. This is why you acted like their affection for you was somehow your responsibility. You knew that in this invisible economy you were born into that people with this all-powerful god body are rarely held responsible for anything they do. 

What I want to tell you is that you were never crazy, even when you had to take medication just to leave the house. You were never crazy; you were scared. You were scared because you were so intimate, so aware of the dragon inside you, but you didn’t have the words to bring this invisible economy you were born into from out of the dark, into something you could point to, identify, and protect yourself from.

You were never crazy for looking under the bed and in the closets before going to bed because the threat was always real, just invisible. The threat of the economy you were born into has always been palpable to you. And without the words, without the language, without someone sharing your vision with you, you weren’t sure what else to do. You became mouse-like, holding tight to the order of things, eating only the same foods and the same amounts of the same foods, going only to the same places and keeping close to only a few. 

What I want to tell you is I forgive you, but it’s more than that. Forgiveness, mercy, is at its root an exchange. And this form of exchange, this economy has always lived inside of you. It’s what has made you feel so alone, as if you actually exist in another world while living in this one. This economy you have always lived within is invisible, too. Except you knew it was the opposite to the one you were born into, the one you were expected to exist within. 

You knew, for example, that you didn’t actually owe anything to that young man who took you out to dinner. He expected, anticipated to kiss you and touch you wherever he wanted, because paying for your dinner was the exchange. But this was all invisible, unspoken. So, when you rushed off, tossing apologies at the confused and hurt look on his face, and then cried in your room, feeling like a freak, because he was captain of the football team, and you could already hear what would be said about you, and feeling terrified because you had rejected one of the all-powerful ones. And their violence for being rejected was accepted, was so accepted in fact that you didn’t even need to wait to be blamed; you felt that blame for what he might do to you already. But what you really suffered from, what really caused you the most pain, was a truth, a fire-breathing dragon that was born inside of you.

And the truth is that god doesn’t look like anything or anyone outside of you, and the truth is that god looks like everything and everyone outside of you, and this makes their worth, your worth, the worth of all things immeasurable and equal, each creature and every human form.

What I want to tell you is that you’ve never needed my forgiveness, my mercy. You’ve just needed to see clearly the system of exchange, the economy of worth that has always lived inside of you. In your world, you give your love, your mercy, away to everyone and everything your eyes can touch. In your world, you’ve always felt safe to do that, to give all your love away (which others find terrifying, believing or misunderstanding as they do that love lives in the economy you were born into, that love could ever equate to a number, that love could ever run out). You might still look under the bed and check the closets when you have to trust sleep on your own, but you love, you give love, you have mercy on even the most unforgivable in your world, even those who have deeply hurt you. You give and give and give, knowing as you do that the source of your giving isn’t about you, knowing as you do that this source of love in this world that exists within you isn’t entirely your own, or entirely human, knowing as you do that this source of love that is invisible, and inexhaustible, that this is god to you.

What I want to tell you is the pride I have in you, but it’s more than that. You’ve judged yourself for being so mouse-like, for needing to keep close to only a few, to ordering your days with very little change. You’ve judged yourself for how you’ve adapted, how you’ve survived the economy of worth you were born into where a human body can be seen as only a commodity. You’ve judged yourself for refusing to be a part of that exchange. And you’ve judged yourself for being a part of the invisible economy that exists within you. You’ve judged yourself for being someone who gives all her love away. But what I want to tell you is not just the pride I feel, the fierce pride I feel that I am you, I also want to suggest to you, my younger self, that this is the whole point. The whole point is to give all your love away, every last cent. Because only then do we get to experience the miracle of that inner reserve filling up again, as if overnight. Only then do we experience the truth that has lived in you like a fiery dragon, the truth that love is the only true exchange we’ve come here for, love is the only inexhaustible resource. 

And those who know this, those who live with this truth as well, they have a fire in their eyes like yours. And those who don’t know this truth, no matter how much wealth they accumulate in the economy they were born into, they will always covet and seek that gold glint in your eyes. And you’ll love even them, those who hate, envy, and misunderstand you, because you can afford to. You’ve always known not only your true worth but also, what worth means. You have always known, you’ve always even been able to see, the invisible, incalculable value of the human soul. 

With only more love, 
M.